Top 10 Things You Really Don’t Want to Hear at Midnight on New Year’s Eve

10. “Oh, don’t be like that. Come give your grandma a kiss, pumpkin!”

9. “This is Dick Clark, wishing you a…urk!” (Thud)

8. “5…4…3…2…3…4… What the--? Did that #$%@ing McFly &#@% up the space/time continuum again?!”

7. “Attention, peoples of Earth! We are your new masters! The Galactic Confederacy of Xenu has returned! Had you only listened to Scientology, you could have avoided this fate—”

6. “Sir, have you had anything to drink this evening? I ask because you’re driving without any pants on. And your car seems to be parked INSIDE the 7-11.”

5. “I can’t find the Auld Lang Syne CD. I’m just going to put on Best of Foghat instead, okay?”

4. “Oh, shoot, here comes my dad! I didn’t mention I was sixteen?”

3. “My first new year’s resolution is to start telling the truth. So, look, a few minutes ago, when I said this was just a cold sore…?”

2. “The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, put your hands down, I’m serious, the &%#@ing roof’s on fire!!”

1. “It’s official! All major news networks have agreed that, in 2008, anything Paris Hilton does or says will STILL be the top story of the day, no matter what else is happening in the world, how many people are starving, how many wars are raging, or if wildfires, hurricanes or tsunamis kill or displace countless thousands! Happy New Year!”