Your Emperor Has Spoken

First off all, I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me as Emperor of the Universe. I'm honored by your faith in my ability to lead and guide all of creation, and will do all that I can to live up to the trust you've put in me.

So to start things off, I wanted to toss out a few of my Empirical edicts, or new rules that the universe, under my rule, will now follow.

1) The use of the word "Really?" as a snarky response has been banned. Not the word itself, when used as an honest request for confirmation, but rather the now painfully overused comeback on message boards and in live conversations. This particularly applies to the "double-really". "You voted for him? Really? Really?" When everyone on Earth uses it, it's no longer clever. Therefore it is banned, as all things in my universe must be clever.

2) Unless you are actually British, you're no longer allowed to use the phrase "spot-on". I know...I've used it myself. But in the end, it makes the American user sound like a wannabe and a sad Anglophile. I have stopped, therefore you, my subjects, will follow my example.

3) "Okay, that's true - except when it isn't!" This, too, in banned as snark. A little too close to "I know you are, but what am I?" in spirit.

4) Stephen King is no longer allowed to write the words "Boogie" or "Honky-Tonk". He is also banned from ever writing black characters again (fans of King will realize that your Emperor has "forspecial" reasons for this...). He will also be required to apologize to the universe for the end of the Dark Tower saga and will be forced to rewrite the final book - by hand, in a cave, by candlelight, surviving only on Campbell's Tomato Soup and rainwater until it's finished and finished right.

5) American Idol will now be replaced with Swiss Idol, a weekly contest focused on yodeling. Just to mix things up a little.

6) No matter how much a film makes in box office profits, studio executives will henceforth have their salaries reduced by a scale determined by the critical performance of the film on the Tomatometer at Rottentomatoes.com. The more negative the reviews for the film, the less money executives will make. This should encourage film studios to produce higher quality material, and should greatly reduce the influx of new Nicholas Cage movies.

7) All YouTube commenters will be rounded up, have their computers taken away from them, and be handed shovels. They will improve the universe's infrastructure by working on road, landscaping and sewage projects, and will continue to do so until such time as they learn to use the written word correctly and effectively. This will apply to all YouTube commenters because my research staff have verified that there has never been a single either useful or legible comment left after a YouTube video in the history of that web site.

8) Texting during a film, in a theater, will result in hobbling.

9) The memorial service for George Lucas will be held this Tuesday at Skywalker Ranch, and will be televised on all major networks. Applications for young writers/filmmakers/visionaries to take over and save all of Lucas' tortured creative properties will be accepted starting Wednesday.

10) Production on the new Firefly series will begin immediately, and it will become the flagship program for the new JWN, or Joss Whedon Network. Those who have expressed the opinion in the past that Joss Whedon is "overrated" will also be given shovels.

Please stay tuned for further edicts. You may now return to your measurably enriched lives. Your Emperor loves you.