And in today's top stories...

Let's see what's going on in the news at the end of our week.

'Housewives' Cast Gathers to Bid Sheridan Adieu
"Bitch!". (Slap). Ratings!

Man Stabbed While Trying to Break Up Party
I told you, mother &%$#, there AIN'T no party like a WEST coast party!! (stab, stab).

Giant Mars Rover Parachute Passes Key Test
It opened! Sweet! Next test.

Kansas Couple Married for 67 Years Die Hours Apart
And I'm dying to figure out how many cigars and lapdances he squeezed into those few hours after she was gone...

Bogus Waiter Tricks Customers at 2 NJ Restaurants
Ha! It was a Carl's Jr. burger, beeyatch! Suck it!!

U.S. Will Boycott U.N. Conference On Racism
We found out there were going to be Mexicans there.

Obama Says He'll Cut Dozens of Wasteful Programs
"Jerry Springer" and "America's Next Top Model" are high on his list.

Dead Dolphin Found Near Bon Jovi's House
Dude. I thought the Rod Stewart German Shepherd rumors were creepy...

Asia Militants Get More Sophisticated Online
u r PWNED, noob!!!11! Islam roolz!!!! lol!!!

Laughter Is Indeed the Best Medicine
Though it still won't make that rash and painful urination go away.

Californians Say "Baby, Baby, No More Drilling"
The Coalition of Infant Dentists has filed suit in response.

Police: Hospital Rampage Motive May Never Be Known
I'm going to have to go with "the food"?

Health Advocates Tout New Model of Female Condom
Sweet. Is she hot?

School Obesity Program Shows Some Benefits
If we fatten your kids up at school for you, you'll save LOADS of dough on groceries.

Less Than Half of Young Women Screened for Chlamydia
That's it. I'm tearing out half my little black book.

Tough Laws, Higher Prices Mean Fewer Kids Smoke
Thankfully, Ecstasy is still dirt cheap. Woo hoo!

Exercise During Pregnancy May Help Baby
Of course, the hard part is getting that tiny Stairmaster up in there...

Nations Set New Tourism Limits for Antarctica
Thank God. It's like freaking Disneyland down there these days!

Sutter Middle School Wins National Debate Competition
Did not.
Did too!
Did not!
Did too!
Sigh. Okay, they did. Well played, Sutter.

Energy Secretary: Islands Could Disappear
Am I the only one who thinks our Energy Secretary is watching too much "Lost"?

Day After Plunking Woman, Bill Murray Hacks Away
Some headlines are just beyond commentary. Thank you, and good night.