Fun With Headlines

It's a big world we live in. Scientists have confirmed this, but only after measuring it, and then soaking their feet and taking a long nap. And being a big world, there's a lot going on in it. Let's take a look at what's going on today, shall we? Your headlines are next:

Madonna, in Malawi, Refuses to Talk About Adoption.
Michael, in Sacramento, refuses to talk about Madonna. Moving on.

U.S. to Push for UN Climate Deal But No "Magic Wand".
What?! There's a magic wand on the table and we're not going to push for it? Are we mad? We could not only fix our economy with one of those babies, but turn North Korea's missiles into pudding!

Violent Video Games Can Improve Vision.
Excellent. Now tomorrow's gun-toting psychos won't be forced to wear glasses. I'll sleep more soundly knowing that their aim will be better.

Erratic Black Hole Regulates Itself.
Can't quite put my finger on it, but something about that headline sounds vaguely dirty.

Panel Passes Park, Beach Smoking Ban Bill.
What?! They're banning parks, beaches AND smoking? Big government is out of control!

Nude Alpine Man Who Jumped Through Windows Tasered.
Apparently something was distracting police enough to have not heard his "don't tase me, bro!" plea. Dr. Manhattan, please report to the ER...

Rumor: Text Messages Can Kill.
Next time you get a text message that says, "bang"? Duck.

Space Smells Funny, Astronauts Say.
And I'm to believe that an astronaut opened up a window at some point and took a whiff?

Woman Arrested After Shackling Self To Husband.
Um, sweetheart? That whole ball-and-chain joke was SARCASM.

Brains or Beauty? Women Still Conflicted.
I wasn't aware there was some point where women had to choose. That would explain a lot, actually.

"Pink Panther" Jewel Thief Suspect Held in Cyprus.
Police request he find some way to stop the saxophone music as it's keeping the other prisoners awake.

NJ Officials Find 80 Cats in Feces-Filled Home.
Hate to break it to you, folks, but where do you think all those cats go at night after the "Lolcats" photo shoots are done?

NY Company to Launch Mexican-Made Kosher Tequila.
Oy! No mas!

Driver Begs Cops to Shoot Him After 130 MPH Chase.
After a 130 MPH chase, I'm guessing he didn't have to beg them all that hard.

Man Puts Finger in Gas Tank, Gets Stuck for Hours.
There's a Polack joke buried in there somewhere. I just have to find it.

HIV Transmission Captured On Video.
Yes, we know. It's called "porn".

California May Reduce Carbon Emissions by Banning Black Cars.
Racist!!!

New Lossless MP3 Format Explained.
It doesn't lose. Next question?

Smart Grid Computers Susceptible To Worm Attacks.
Keep your computers away from dirt. Problem solved.

Diners Can 'Have a Ball' at Testicle Festival.
Leaving me with no punchline whatsoever. Well-played, Associated Press. Well-played.