My Rules

Okay, my fellow blogger buddy Jim tagged me with a meme. If you’re like me, you have no idea what a “meme” is. But after sussing it out, I reckoned that that meant someone had “tagged” him to write his own personal “rules”, and he was now “tagging” me. So he wrote his personal rules, and passed the torch. So I guess I have to write mine. I guess we all have them, but I’ve never really given much thought to what mine are. Guess I will now.

1. That “golden” one.

You can never go wrong with the classic. And it’s true, and I realize I do try hard to live my life by it. If you want to be treated a certain way (or not) by people, why not treat them the same way (or not)? Do you appreciate it when someone else lets you over in traffic when you suddenly realize you’re about to miss your offramp? Why, then, would you see someone trying to get over and speed up and cut them off, just so you won’t be faced with the moral outrage of another car getting in front of you? Would you want someone doing that to you? Then don’t do it to someone else. The more sociopathic readers out there might say that you doing something nice for someone else doesn’t guarantee someone will be nice to you. Well, maybe not. But it was Gandhi who said that we must become the change that we wish to see in others. And he was a pretty smart guy. Not a big eater, though… In the bigger sense, maybe others seeing your example might take it and do likewise next time they’re in that situation, and hence, the world slowly becomes a better place. On a more personal level? Doing nice things for no apparent reason builds in you something called “character”. Which, to some people, is its own reward. Or if your spiritual beliefs orbit the karmic, maybe the universe might throw some of that back at you.

2. Courtesy. Look it up.

This one (and probably the rest of them) kind of springs from #1. Say please. Say thank you. Say I’m sorry when you do something dumb. Say excuse me. If someone has one item in their hands at the supermarket and you’ve got twenty-six in your basket, let them go ahead of you. Tip your waitress or hair stylist or valet appropriately. Just show people some respect. We live in a (mostly) civilized society. Let’s act like it. I, for one, am getting tired at this point in my life having to justify the fact that I have manners to others who don’t think that’s “manly”. Me, I think being a man means being an adult, and acting like one. The alternative is acting like a child. Treat people nice. They’ve got their own problems, and they’re dealing with life just like you. They deserve the little effort.

3. Don’t ask me about the five no-nos.

I realized a while back that there are certain things that I’m just not comfortable talking about in polite conversation. In general, they break down into the categories of money, religion, politics, sex and medical. You may notice that many or all of these are some people’s FAVORITE areas of conversation. Me, not so much. First, never ask me how much money I make. I hate getting this question, because I think it’s a completely rude and inappropriate one. My correct answer to your question should be “none of your damn business”, but, then, see rule #2. I will not discuss that with you. I also don’t want to discuss religion with you. My religious beliefs are my own, and my own business. Chances are if you’re asking me about mine, that means you’re trying to sell me on yours. I’m happy that you have yours…I just don’t want them. I have my own. And how often does a conversation about them end up well? Same with politics. I speak with my vote. And don’t ask me who or what I voted for. That’s too personal of a question. And I can’t stand what political interjections do to a conversation. I’ve seen it too many times. I’ll be with some people at a nice dinner gathering. We’re all getting along, all having fun. Suddenly, someone starts spouting off their politics. Next thing I know, people are literally yelling at each other over the table, and someone gets up and actually leaves the party over it. What the hell? If you really believe in your politics, and they’re not just fashion or a tool you use to try to make yourself look cooler or more enlightened, see if they still mean as much to you if you’re not allowed to tell anyone about them. Don’t ruin the party because you’re trying to impress a talk-radio jock that doesn’t even know you’re alive. Sex? Okay, I’m old-fashioned. Not going to talk about it. And, frankly, I don’t want to hear about it. In particular, if your significant other is also a friend of mine, I really don’t want to hear all the details of that thing you talked her into doing. Keep it in the bedroom. It’s supposed to be, like, #1 on the list of things that are meant to be personal. Medical? Well, that one’s not quite so big a thing to me. General questions, when it comes to my Dystrophy, for example, don’t bother me. I don’t mind talking about that at all (assuming you’re asking without a leer of morbid fascination, like you’re about to hear the details of a gory crime scene). Specific questions like, after I get back from the doctor, of “So what did the doctor say?” set off my “none of your business” reflex. That’s kind of between me and the doc.

4. Does it make sense?

I’m really big on logic. Things need to make sense to me. I had, in the past, a boss who really didn’t know what he was doing. But situations would come up with a customer and I’ve have to go to him. He’d give some answer to give them that, in his mind, closed the matter. But it didn’t. His answer, more often than not, made no sense. And he expected me to go get that person back on the phone and tell them this. How am I supposed to sell someone on something that doesn’t even make sense to ME? Logic is what separates us from the squirrels and the polar bears. Yes, we all have emotions, and that’s good. But we can’t let our emotions guide all our decisions. If what you’re doing doesn’t make sense, why are you doing it? If your religion doesn’t make sense, and has holes in its dogma big enough to drive a Hootie and the Blowfish tour bus through, how do you expect me to believe it? If this great new procedure being implemented in the company makes no sense, why are we implementing it, and can’t we just skip to the part where you realize it’s not going to work (because it doesn’t make sense) and not waste everyone’s time? Racism makes no sense. The Electoral College makes no sense. If it doesn’t make sense, then it is flawed, and it needs to be rethought and fixed.

5. Can I do anything about it? Then let’s move on.

This is sort of my “no regrets” philosophy, but in a less broad and more practical way. It’s taken me a long time to get to a place where I can ask myself, about something that’s happened or something I’ve done, “Is there anything I can do about it NOW?” If there’s not, then there’s no point in wasting energy agonizing over it. You learn the lesson it offers you and you move on to other things. I used to be a big wallower, reliving a thing that happened over and over, thinking of all the things I could have done differently, blah blah blah. You cannot change the past. You learn, and go keep on keepin’ on.

6. Tomorrow is, in fact, another day.

With age, thankfully, comes perspective. You’re able to look back at your life, and remember the times when you thought all hope was lost, and that your life was over, and realize that you’re now on the other side, years from that moment, and everything’s fine. So if badness happens again, chances are that soon, you’ll be looking back, again, wondering what you were so worried about. Life throws you some pretty nasty curves. I’ve had plenty. But I’m a firm believer that these things make you stronger, and build up your character, and make you a better person. You have to weather the storm and get on with living. Things will always get better, if you want them to and if you let them. We are in control of our lives and our emotions. Take the speed bumps. Keep driving. There’s an awfully nice view right up around the next corner.

7. Someone’s always got it worse.

So, yeah, I’m in a wheelchair. Guess what? It took me a lot of years to finally get into that wheelchair full-time. I had plenty of time to get used to the idea. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be leading a normal, healthy life, suddenly get t-boned by a truck, and wake up paralyzed. In that comparison, I have it easy. My father died back in ’91. I knew it was coming. It came faster than we all thought, came on suddenly, and it was still a shock. But I had two weeks basically living in that hospital to deal with what was coming. And I was able to be there with him when he went. I’m grateful for that. Why? Because so many other millions of people, just having an ordinary day, get a phone call that lets them know their loved one isn’t coming home, ever, because they had a heart attack at the train station. How does one deal with THAT grief, that kind of amputation of someone from your life with no warning? It chills me to imagine it. But it happens to people every day. And THOSE people, as hard as they have it, didn’t have to deal with long months of a loved one in immeasurable pain slowly being eaten away by cancer…a sadly common story in this day and age. I don’t want to deny people their emotions and their grief. They deserve them. But me, I always like to keep things in perspective. This helps me deal with my life and my problems, realizing that people who have things much worse have struggled and suffered and found a way to make it through. If they can do it, I’ve got no excuse to give up.

8. Robin Williams isn’t funny anymore.

Okay, that really doesn’t have anything to do with this list and doesn’t belong here, but someone had to say it out loud.

9. Cut to the chase.

If we know we're going to end up somewhere, let's just get there. Why waste time with complications and useless roadblocks? This is another work thing for me. If I know we're going to end up paying for something in the end, inevitably, I've got one or more people in management deciding to throw some steps in the way. Why? YOU know we're going to pay it, THEY know we're going to pay it, why are we going to make the situation worse by dragging it out unnecessarily? I'm a bottom line guy. I'll think something through, and if all paths lead to one place, I just want to go to that place. There's no need for sight-seeing along the way. Life's too short.

10. Comedy is life, as life is comedy.

You have GOT to find the humor in things. I generally do. Things may be darkly funny at times, but damnit, they’re still funny. That time I was trying to lower my wheelchair out of my van by hand (because the lift in the back was out…again) and the chair ended up yanking me bodily out of the van and onto the asphalt? Come on, that was funny! Okay, maybe just to me, but it was. The time my ex came to town to visit me for the first time since our breakup a year before, and ended up asking me to drive her to a blind date? That’s hilarious! That is such a screenplay moment waiting to happen. When I have to sometimes take a prop plane somewhere and therefore can’t get wheeled onto the plane in my chair, so they have a strap me to this “aisle chair” like Hannibal Lecter and carry and roll my ass in? Humiliating? Yes. Funny? HELL yes. The time the lady outside the supermarket tried to hand me a dollar because I was sitting there in a wheelchair so she assumed I must be a panhandler? That is GOLD! Life is FUNNY. You have to find the humor. Lighten up and have a laugh.

11. It’s never too late to start over.

This is a fairly recent addition to my rules list, but it’s an important one. It’s never too late to change your life. It can happen today, if you want it to. Past failures don’t matter. Feelings of inadequacy don’t matter. What other people think about you doesn’t matter. You are in control of your life. The hard part is realizing that and overcoming all the mental barriers. Doing something about it is actually the easier part. The world is filled with stories of people who decided to go back to school late in life, who decided to finally write that novel, who followed their dream after it failed them again and again, only to finally see it come to fruition. You can have a new life every single day. The past does not matter. It really doesn’t. Today is all that does. Each day we live is a 24-hour metaphor of life. We’re born as we wake and get out of bed. We go through struggles and challenges and adventures and surprises as the day goes by. And we lay ourselves down to sleep at the end of it. But unlike the bigger “life”, we get another one of these daily ones each time we wake. And what we do with it is all up to us. If the last one didn’t go so great? Here’s another chance when the alarm clock goes off. The distractions and complications of life can blind us to this fact, but we can take control any time we want and make our lives into what we want them to be. I believe that. Do I live that? Well, sometimes. But I’m working on it. As we all should. And if I don’t manage to pull it off today? See rule #6. Bet your bottom dollar.

Guess I’ll throw this tag to Summer. And if you decide to do it, other people just make a simple list. Yours doesn’t have to go into excessive explanation and example if you don’t want it to. That’s just me. Excessive is my business. That kind of thing IS my bag, baby.