Top of the World (Wide Web)

I’m-number-one! I’m-number-one!

Just decided to do the Google search for the first time in a long time, and it is, once again, official. I am planet Earth’s (or at least the internet’s) #1 Michael O’Connell. If you Google that name, there you’ll find my site – on top and riding high, baby.

I had jumped up there for a time when the whole van thing was going on (which, of course, got my site a lot more traffic than normal), but after that died down, I had fallen behind a couple of the others. But once more, the world has shown its wisdom by appointing me its favorite Michael O’Connell.

I have beat the oil painter. I’ve beat the musician. I’ve beat the English professor from UC Santa Barbara. I’ve beat the hockey guy. I would brag about beating the L.A. comedian, who’s been on Jimmy Kimmel, Comedy Central and everything, but technically, he’s “Mike O’Connell” (and clearly wins that Googling, as a search will show you), so it’s more a testament to his popularity that he’s so high in MY category. Yeah, that’s right. It’s MINE. PWNED, other, less fabulous, Michael O’Connells! PWNED!

I’d like to take a moment to thank the peoples of Earth for their confidence in me, and in all that I do. I promise to do my level best to live up to this honor, and to earn your obvious faith and admiration by continuing to develop countless book and screenplay ideas that I never complete, to never be on time for anything, and to remain a renter instead of a homeowner even though I’m about to turn forty years old. And to you other Michael O’Connells—you general managers of hockey teams, talented and heralded artists and musicians, and tenured professors of literature—I vow to continue to set the bar high, to give you an apex to reach for, to inspire you to mediocrity in a career where all of your customers hate and despise you and comment colorfully on your mother. I share the dream with you, and invite you to believe. If one Michael O’Connell can achieve such heights by accomplishing so little, then maybe we all can. Your destiny is in your hands, my brothers. Walk the road I have plowed, and one day you, too, may find yourself at the pinnacle.

Probably not, but feel free to try.

So I’m officially declaring June 28^th to be Michael O’Connell Day, and invite future generations to celebrate the joyous occasion, whatever nation you hail from. Know that the love of Michael O’Connell knows no borders and no language. Let this be a day where we all pause and reflect on what can be, and where all can reaffirm their faith in themselves and their fellow man. Humanity is wise beyond comprehension. That much, now, is clear.

Cards and gifts are welcome. For the record, I’m a fan of high-end consumer electronics. If you’re stumped.

Have to run. I have a moving speech to deliver in the kitchen while I’m microwaving my dinner.