Favorite (Actual) News Headlines of the Day

Officer Shot Dead In Hair Salon Gun Fight (are they EVER going to wise up and put metal detectors in those places?)

Police: Man Attacked Farmworkers With Sausage (I'm not touching that one. The headline, or the sausage...)

Man in wheelchair robs Texas 7-Eleven of condoms (I swear, I thought I paid for them)

Police hunt high-speed skateboard outlaw (Man, I didn't know Christian Slater's career had gotten that bad...)

W.Va. man accused of drunk driving on a tractor (he'd just been in a fight with his wife. Or his sister. Or was it his wife AND sister?)

Ohio preacher, 71, avoids jail in road rage case (but sentenced to 45 hours of turning the other cheek)

Giant spider invades UK City (serious Kevin Smith fans will laugh at that and think of Superman...)

Putin saves TV crew from Siberian tiger (but sadly blows his secret identity in the process. Holy borsht! Vladimir Putin is really Former Soviet Man?!)