Hecklers ON stage? Another night of Tommy T's comedy

I headed down to Tommy T's tonight for the Tuesday open mic night. No getting up on stage for me this week. Two reasons. One, Vlado's out of town, and I don't want to be pulling ahead of him in the stage experience. That ain't right to do to a hard-working pilot-slash-comic. And two, I went alone, and therefore had no one to lift my ass up on stage. So unless they planned to have me do my act from back by the bar, it was just going to be spectator tonight. After the near-empty room Vlado and I had to deal with a couple weeks back, I wanted to do my part for fellow comics by at least being another person on the crowd. Apparently, on some nights, that can near DOUBLE the crowd.

So I hit the pharmacy first on my way over, and found myself in a ridiculous line. I thought this was going to make me late, but after I got to Tommy T's at almost 7:00, I found out that someone had confused the details on the evening. While the notice had said they would start at 6:30, it was actually a 7:30 start. I was early! Sweet! That allowed for starting drinking even earlier. You can do that kind of thing when you're not having to worry about getting up on stage.

I hung up at a table by the bar this time. This is where the comics tend to huddle, so it seemed like the place to be. Said hey to Lou and Ellis...and Ty, the big winner last time I was on! I noticed near me there was a table with a couple of pretty loud guys (REALLY loud guys) who seemed to be drinking a lot. I sensed trouble amiss...

I had assumed these guys knew each other, but, as I found out later, they were just both really loud, really drunk guys, so the Jack Daniels pheromone just pulled them into each other's orbits, and they fell in love immediately. As the show started, they were both quite distracting. Sometimes they'd be together, sometimes one would be at the bar while one was at the table. When this one guy was sitting alone, he would, without even looking up, comment on what the comedian was saying (positively, at least - "Yes! Yes! That's true!"), and with his voice, the comedian AND the whole rest of the place could clearly hear him. That is, when they could hear him over the REALLY drunk guy, who was talking at near shouting level to the bartender for what seemed like forever. People all the way up front kept looking back all night, wondering who the rude loud people were in the back (you know, the ones right by ME?), and many of the comedians had to deal with the situation - either having to play off the guy at the table with his comments, or deal with heckles or general loudness from bar guy.

So after a while, Ellis gets up there and call for the next comedian. Oh, joy. It's table guy! Table guy (pretty drunk but serviceable) states right off that he's not a comedian, and that he just came in to fill out a job application for waiting tables and decided to go up. He has no act. But to his credit...he was entertaining. He just kind of talked about his life a bit, and was a pretty naturally funny guy. So it wasn't disastrous or anything. But he did look up at one point when he obviously had nothing left and asked, "Isn't there supposed to be a red light coming on to save me here?", and Lou hit the light for him. He finished and went back to his table. Pretty well received.

So bar guy continues the yammering. Loud, drunk, obnoxious, getting shushed from all sides. Twice on stage Ellis, while making it a joke, of course, told the people back the bar to...well, to be quiet (I'm paraphrasing, of course). Then we're down to only three comedians left. Night's almost over. Ellis introduces the next comic by name...and bar guy start loudly yelling cheers for himself. There was the most amazing collective "Oh, God" from the whole room. It was magical. It was a brilliant mixture of discomfort and train-wreck anticipation.

Bar guy takes forever to get up to the stage, holding up his arms (and his drink) and yelling for himself the whole time. My first breath-holding moment (an "Oh, no" combined with a guilty but unavoidable "Ooh, this is gonna be good!") was waiting to see if he made it up the stairs to the stage - stairs I've seen sober comedians trip on three times now. He managed. He set his drink down on the stool and grabbed the mic. And started rambling. And stumbling. And, not surprisingly, going nowhere. It was painfully beautiful. After a couple minutes of this (I still couldn't tell you what he actually said, as fixated on the carnival atmosphere as I was), I started to wonder if he'd even see, and if so, heed, the red light when it came on. Well, that didn't end up being a problem. Apparently lost for more to say, he then decided to wow the crowd by stepping OFF the stage and on to one of the front row tables (where people were sitting). NOW we were in about-to-see-some-good-stuff territory.

At this point, Lou cut his mic. Which confused and annoyed bar guy to no end. Then, from my seat in the back, I could see Lou and Ellis, each slowly coming forward on opposite sides of the room, readying to get up on stage from two different sides and put an end to the spectacle. Bar guy saw this, and said (as you may have surmised from his vocal description earlier, he didn't NEED a mic to be heard), "Okay, okay, fine, I'm getting back." He then backed up and stepped back on the stage, managing to (dammit) do so without falling over. But Lou and Ellis approached, having him penned in, and apparently explained it was time for him to leave the stage. Thankfully, they didn't have to physically drag him off. Wait a minute...did I just say "thankfully"? Ripoff!

There were a couple more comedians to go, and, of course, bar guy didn't leave. He was back at the bar, being loud. Now, when the last comedian of the night went on? That's when this guy went into full heckle mode, and completely destroyed this guy's act (a guy whose act was, frankly, a bit cerebral and hard to follow to START with). I would hear later that it was around this point where bar guy then asked Lou when it was his turn to go up on stage. Ooookay. That's when Lou let him know it was time to go. I didn't get to hear all of it, just some loud bitching from bar guy as he was made to leave Tommy T's.

The show ended, and I headed down the elevator to go out to the smoking area where everyone meets post-show. I managed to get out there just in time to see bar guy being dragged by someone he obviously knew...dragged toward a car. There was a clearly embarrassed girl behind the wheel, waiting. Bar guy was pointing and belligerently yelling at the assembled crowd. I came out there just as he was yelling, "Come on, hit me! Any of you! I dare you!"

And I swear to you...for a minute there, I almost went up and did it. Just because it would have been the funniest thing to do at that moment.

But, after dropping him to the pavement once, his buddy managed to get him into the car and drive him away.

Oh GOD am I glad I didn't perform tonight.

The good news? In the middle of his drunken ranting at the bar, this guy apparently told Lou that he'd be back every Tuesday night from now on.

I can only dream....

[NOTE: The photo above was taken just before bar guy left the stage. You can see him there behind Ellis, being a drunken asshat]