Random Memory Theater, Part 1: The "Runnig" Men
That’s when I saw the police car slowly rolling up the road.
I can’t say for certain whose idea it was, because this all happened over two decades ago, but I’m sure it must have been mine. It just sounds like something I would have come up with back then, back during our senior year at
Me, I didn’t quite make the whole ride, but I did start there in the 5th grade.
We started off pretty nerdy. Comic books, role-playing games, Star Wars movies, Atari games…all those things that pretty much guarantee you an entertaining but dateless high school existence. The good news was that we were in a small enough school that there was a lot of crossover between social cliques, so we never really felt, or were treated, like outcasts. We just understood that we weren’t really all that cool. Or, maybe I’m the only one who realized that. I don’t know. Denial’s a very powerful coping mechanism.
But something odd happened about halfway through our senior year. I’m still not quite sure how it happened, but I think, again, the small-school factor had something to do with it. However it happened, an unexpected social evolution took place. All of a sudden, we were cool. Nature does abhor a vacuum, and being seniors, we were suddenly all that was left after the people cooler than us all went on to college. Guess we somehow had to fill that void in the social norm. No longer comic-reading, role-playing, Star-Wars-novel-obsessing dweebs (at least not publicly…), we were now hard-partying, midnight-movie-going, socially sought-out dudes. Inexplicably, we were part of the in-crowd. Even stranger, we were part of the inner circle. People were coming up to us on Friday to find out what the big plans were for the weekend, the ones that all the rumors would inevitably be flying around campus about the following Monday.
There was a small courtyard between some of the few buildings of the high school part of the campus. On one side of it was a brick wall. Tradition had turned this into “the senior wall”. Each year, the soon-to-graduate class got to get some paint and decorate it up – in staff-approved ways, of course. The previous year’s class would have their decorations remain up for most of the following year, but in the spring, the new seniors got to claim it as their own.
This one particular weekend, we knew that the painting time was coming, and that the wall would first be painted over before our class got to get our hands on it. This over-painting would happen on Tuesday. And the following week, our class would begin our memorial. Somewhere either before or during that pre-paint weekend, the idea came into being. The wall was going to be painted over anyway, right? So if someone were to, say, sneak onto the school grounds in the dead of night and do their OWN painting, it wouldn’t technically be vandalism, would it? In the literal interpretation, yes, it would be, but since the wall was already about to be painted over, it’s not like it would cost the school any money that wasn’t already being spent. And if this pre-painting was something cool, not something vulgar or offensive, who would really be hurt by it? It was a victimless crime, and one that would make the mysterious rebels who perpetuated it quite legendary. As a couple of guys getting close to leaving high school, and that campus, behind forever, legendary was exactly the thing we wanted to walk out as.
The do-no-harm nature of the idea is what convinces me that idea was mine. I was too nice a kid (drinking and smoking aside) to want to be part of any REAL criminal act, but this was a way to let us have the criminal experience without actually doing anything REALLY bad. Denial, again, is a wonderful thing. We could commit a crime and still feel like we hadn’t (and if we were caught, use this as our defense).
As for what we’d be spray-painting on the wall? That, too, was my idea (this part I do remember). At that time, the first “Nightmare On
The plan was simple.
So Saturday night came, and we snuck out of my place and drove to the road by the school. We parked there, next to the vegetable stand that sold produce by day, and looked around. All looked clear. We were just off
Time passed, and I got more nervous. I tried to calculate how long each step of the process would take him, and it seemed that he was overdue. Of course, I was the one sitting in the dark, counting the seconds, so of course time was passing slower for me. I was on guard time. He was on ninja time. I kept looking around, keeping my stakeout senses sharp, and turned to watch another vehicle cruise through the night down Winding.
I turned back around, and I saw the headlights.
Down the single-lane paved road I was parked next to, in the darkness, a pair of headlights had suddenly appeared, like luminous, knowing eyes. From watching them, I could tell the car they were attached to was moving very slowly…and coming right toward me.
I was frozen for a moment. Who would be driving on that road, at that time of night, and moving along at such a purposefully slow speed?
The answer was obvious, and gripped and fondled my heart like icy fingers.
Cops.
Of all the luck. What were the chances? We just happen to decide to do this thing (which all of a sudden didn’t seem so brilliant after all), show up here for a small window of time, and a cop car just happens to be cruising that lonely road? I had never been a criminal until that night, and only then discovered that I was one of those criminals with the terrible luck. The ones who get back to the get-away car and realize they dropped their keys in the bank, or that pick up the hooker with the badge hidden under her tube top, or get pulled over for an expired registration when they have three Hefty bags filled with weed in the trunk.
The lights kept, slowly and ominously, coming, and with the road as narrow as it was, the car’s path was going to bring it just inches from the truck’s driver’s side as it went by. And there I would be sitting, on the passenger side, alone and white-faced with fear, in the middle of the night on a quiet road parked next to a stand that peddled cumquats. Hmmm, I wonder where the obviously-missing driver could be? And could I please step out of the car and show some I.D.?
Just ducking was a thought, but not a good one, as they had probably already seen me. My mind and pulse raced, and I came up with the only solution that seemed plausible. I quickly slid over behind the wheel and got my hand on the ignition key. Never mind the fact that I didn’t have a license and had, in fact, never driven before. I would start it up and drive away, try my best to look natural and normal, and circle around Carmichael for a while until the coast was clear and I could come back and find Wayne…assuming he hadn’t gotten back and found the truck gone and started walking back to my place (in a ninja outfit. Probably not the best plan). And assuming the cops wouldn’t shine the light on me anyway, suspiciously parked as I was, and ask me to produce my driver’s license. License? I didn’t even have a California I.D. All I had to prove my identity was my school I.D. card. But that’s okay. I’m sure the cops would run a quick trace on the truck’s plate and find out it was registered to
We were screwed.
I readied myself to start the engine, but couldn’t quite make myself do it yet. Driving sure seems like a simple thing to do, until you actually have to do it for the very first time. Could I even get the damned thing into gear? And would I be weaving all over the road, trying to get a feel for the over-sized truck, and red-flag myself THAT way and end up being pulled over for DUI instead?
The moment of truth came. The car came up next to the truck, its driver’s window to my driver’s window (though was it really “my” driver’s window if I couldn’t actually drive?). I was frozen, and waiting for whatever came, and starting to put pressure on the key in the ignition. I tried not to make direct eye-contact, fearing that the truth in my eyes would give away everything.
It didn’t stop. It kept slowly rolling by. And as I braved a glance to my left, I saw the tail end of it before it disappeared.
Just some Buick.
Or what I assume was a Buick. As I didn’t have to worry about driving one, it’s not like I knew a whole lot about cars back then, anyway.
It put its blinker on and came to a full stop (even though there were no cars anywhere else in sight, save the truck I was manning), and made a slow right turn onto Winding and disappeared into the
Soon, Wayne, the tardy ninja, appeared from the brush and got back into the truck, and I related my nerve-wracking tale of near disaster as we drove back home (because breaking into a high school really isn’t the risky and brave part of the job…sitting on your ass in the car is). We got home without further incident, knowing that the deed was done. We had really pulled it off. All we had to do now was wait for Monday to enjoy the fruits of our daring caper.
Monday morning came, and we arrived at school. As we walked (well, I rolled) though the main hallway, I could already sense the excitement of “something” having happened, and catch snatches of talk about it. Doing my best to keep my grin to myself, I casually headed to the courtyard to check out the realization of my ingenious scheme, and the thing no one would be able to stop talking about for the rest of the day. Or the rest of the school year. And on into eternity. Immortality was mine.
And sure enough, there it was, all sprayed in red on the senior wall, with a number of fellow students gathered around and looking it.
There were my chosen words.
No runnig in the hallways.
Wait…
No “runnig”?
What the $*#% was a “runnig”?!
Apparently, in his rush to finish the job and get out (it’s POSSIBLE that he might have been even more nervous than me, actually being the one spray-painting a wall at his high school and possibly setting himself up to get kicked out of that school and maybe even end up in jail), Wayne seemed to have forgotten a letter. I don’t know, maybe his ninja hood was down over his eyes and he didn’t notice. Regardless, our big, hip, unforgettable gesture had itself a typo. It’s something of a let-down when you realize you’ve been immortalized, but immortalized as a bad speller.
And as if this wasn’t enough, there was also the signature. I had told him to write “no running in the hallways”, and that it should be signed “Freddy”. Well, he got the “Freddy” part right. But he felt the need to put the word “signed” above it. So the whole thing actually read:
No runnig in the hallways.
Signed,
Freddy.
Vandals in need of an editor. I just shook my head.
But, typos and the need for a Strunk and White aside, we had done it, and that was the important thing. And everyone, sure enough, was talking about it. Not much in the way of excitement goes down in small Adventist high schools. There are no shootings or stabbings. Rarely does anyone get pregnant. Fights are, at best, shoving matches that last about ten seconds. So, as we figured, something like that got everyone charged up and grateful to have a little scandal introduced into an otherwise boring Monday.
I left the wall and headed toward my first class, and heard some girls talking about it. Ah. I’d been part of something the GIRLS were talking about. That jumped the payoff up a nice few notches. Didn’t matter that they didn’t know it was me. I knew. And I knew they didn’t know that I knew that they didn’t know. And they knew… Well, somewhere in there, it was cool and manly thing. I think.
I spotted our pal Chris come walking up. Chris was one of our main crew, and one of our main buds. He, himself, was a monster Freddy Krueger fan, having seen it with us many times, and was very verbal, at school, about his love for it. Chris did not, however, know that we had perpetrated this Freddy-themed crime, as Wayne and I had sworn a ninja oath to keep it between ourselves.
As he approached, one of the girls looked back and spotted him.
“Chris,” she laughed. “What did you do that?”
Huh?
And then all the girls were talking to Chris, and laughing. Why? Because everyone, it turns out, assumed Chris had done it. Chris insisted, in a voice that suggested it wasn’t the first time he’d had to make the denial that morning, that he DIDN’T do it. He was adamant about this and very confused, but he didn’t seem to be troubled by the accusation all THAT much. After all, everyone seemed to be treating him like a hero for it.
You’d kind of have to know Chris to properly understand this. You ever know someone, in your life, that seems to be able to get away with ANYTHING? This has always been true of Chris, and not due to any conscious effort on his part. Chris is a great and fun and personable guy, the kind of person everyone gets along with and wants to be around. And he would, from time to time, do something not too smart, as most of us did at that age. However, he would always manage to get free from it without repercussions, or with very few. He could get away with things because, frankly, he was never TRYING to get away with anything. He would just fall into a mess (one that usually had a great story attached to it, and one he never had to embellish because it was inevitably great on its own merit) and would get a pass for it, because…well, he was Chris. Chris, the guy who would never hurt anyone or even say a bad thing about someone, the guy who always meant well, the guy who had enough good karma stacked in his favor for just being such a great guy, naturally, that it balanced out any random dumbness he might partake in. And that’s a lot of karma, if you knew some of the things he’s gotten out of. You don’t want to know. Okay, you probably do, but you’re not going to know it from me.
So here I was, having just come up with this grand plan for leaving my mark (literally, in fact) on my school and pulling off (even if by proxy) something that was dangerous and qausi-destructive and more-or-less illegal and so much more bad-boy cool than people would ever imagine I could be.
And not only did everyone think someone else had done it, but they thought Chris had done it…which somehow made it “cute”.
Chris made vandalism “cute”.
He not only defused the (at best misdemeanor) criminal aura of it, but ended up with credit for it. And chick points for it. Without doing a thing but showing up for school on Monday.
Clueless, innocent, karma-stacking bastard.
As the day passed, and the story circulated and the rumors flew, it seemed Chris had managed to convince at least some people with his very honest denial. Later in the afternoon, in fact, our Bible teacher, Mr. Schwartz (had “Spaceballs” come out while we were still in high school, I guarantee you we would have walked around all year saying “May the Schwartz be with you!” whenever he walked by. Your timing sucks, Mel Brooks…) walked up to me while I was sitting near the admin building. He was smiling and overly-personable, and immediately went into some kind of riff about “Hey, that was pretty funny what happened on the senior wall, wasn’t it?” I kind of agreed that it was. He then, without dropping his smile, quickly asked, “Who did it?”
Signed,
10 Comments:
At March 12, 2008 at 2:42 PM , Anonymous said...
Mike, that's hilarious!
Who knew you were such a ...
Viscious...
Criminal!
(Say it like Adam West. You viscious... criminal!)
And you thought the cops were coming, and then you didn't even get credit for it...
Ha ha ha!
That's rich!
I never really had anything like that...
OK, wait a minute.
When I was in California I hung out with Glen Mao and Art Who Shall Remain Unnamed for Now, and we all worked at PayLess, which was kind of a low-end Kmart/TwoGuys/Cooks/Zayres.
PayLess had a fireworks stand (not now, but then - !) at which we could buy fireworks on employee discount. We bought a lot.
Then we stuffed them in an Estes rocket, the Patriot. Big mother. and we were going to fire this sucker off on the Fourth of July.
We put the launcher in back of Glen's truck and drove over a few blocks. Everyone was watching the city fireworks over at the school, so we decided to fire the rocket over in that direction.
Now, i knew that the fireworks wouldn't go off "as planned" - we had taken apart a few boxes worth of fireworks and jammed them all in there, so we thought at least some of them would be ignited by the engine's hot parachute-ejection gasses.
So I'm a geek.
Anyway, the rocket shifted a bit when the massive engines burned out and the staging I had oh-so-cleverly designed worked. It worked fine. Though now the rocket was top-heavy.
And we saw it go over the school down to the parking lot and explode in the BIGGEST explosion! Right where all the people were supposed to be watching.
We tore out of there and parked his truck up near my garage and essentially hid in my house for a couple of hours waiting for the cops to show up and arrest us for killing someone.
Turns out the angle of our vision was a little off and it had hit the roof of the school right close to the edge. Blew up tremendously but didn't come close to killing or even injuring anyone.
Somehow my parents didn't know it was me...
But I bet they had their suspicions.
KC
At March 12, 2008 at 8:08 PM , Anonymous said...
Clueless innocent karma stacking basterd?? Dude! That's Great! Seriously, I was laughing so hard tears were coming out. No Joke. And I forgot that it was "runnig" hahahaha. And I havent thought of re-Animator since 86! That was a great piece. Thanks for writing that. I have such found memories of that period of time. Gosh Im feeling nostalgic for high school right now. Think I'll go play some pet shop boys.
Peace
Da Basterd. hahahaha
At March 13, 2008 at 5:44 PM , Anonymous said...
See?
you can tell why they thought it was him...."I have such found memories..." Would that be fond, maybe? If I saw it misspelled, I would have thought it was Chris too.
See, he even makes misspelled words CUTE.
Thanks for the great and hilarious story!
-The Karma Stacking Bastards Wife ;)
At March 17, 2008 at 10:18 AM , Anonymous said...
Sounds like the basis for a great show. Hey "My name is Mike": better start working on that list.
Otherwise you might win the lottery, get hit by a car, and have to settle your own claim.
At March 19, 2008 at 7:45 AM , Anonymous said...
I remember that incident only too well - had to put up with you guys when you finally made it home! And I guess I should thank you for not "outing" me and Lauri Johnson, who did the same thing the year before for the class of '85. That was also an eventful story - the two of us dressed in black outrunning the spotlight of a police helicopter across the football field. To this day nobody ever knew it was us. Since I'm now 40, I guess it's ok to "out" myself. Hope it's ok to "out" Lauri! haha.
At March 19, 2008 at 8:31 PM , Michael O'Connell said...
Oh, so THAT's where I got the idea from. NOW it all makes sense...
Oh, sure. She talks about outing herself, and outs Lauri Johnson, and then she posts anonymously. Nice try.
It's SHELLEY, officer! Shelley O'Connell! My sister! She's the one you're looking for! It was all her idea!!
At March 19, 2008 at 8:33 PM , Michael O'Connell said...
K.C. - that's awesome. I want more people to post their tales of bad ideas that they almost got nailed for in their youth. I bet there are some great ones out there.
At March 19, 2008 at 8:38 PM , Michael O'Connell said...
Mr. and Mrs. Karma:
Yeah, wrote that one for you, buddy. Writing that took me way back, too (I could almost hear Night Ranger's "Midnight Madness" playing on cassette in the background!). It's funny how some parts are hazy, but I can so clearly remember (except for which girl it was) you walking up and the "Chris! Why did you do that? Ha ha!" That was way too funny. Not as funny as it would have been if Wayne had gotten arrested in a ninja ghi, but still...
Keep him out of trouble, Tami. You know Alumni Weekend is coming up, and you know how his brain works. He'll be looking to make his rep for real this time. Can you see the headlines now? "Prominent Dentist Arrested for Vandalism at Local School. Says Pet Shop Boys Lyrics Made Him Do It"...
Knowing him, he'll probably get a book deal out of it and end up on Letterman...
At March 19, 2008 at 8:40 PM , Michael O'Connell said...
Tony: Will Jaime Pressly be there if I do? SOLD!
At November 10, 2008 at 1:30 AM , DennisC said...
Mike, that was classic, I forgot about the Crestview movies. Good ole Bartle and James and a crappy theatre. This for some reason made me think of the school trip to the ocean and somebody got busted with the wine coolers, oh and of course I got sent to the office and told Myron after being what I knew about wine cooler, I replied " they are a mix of fruit juice and wine" yeah that was a nice 3 day vacation from SUA, ha ha good times.
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