You Might Be As Old As Me If...

So I got in bed last night and turned on the TV to find some movie to fall asleep to (like I do). I had left it on the "Encore" channel, and an old 70s movie was on, with an actor (to be named below) that I hadn't thought about in quite some time. "Quite some time" is actually "quite" an understatement. And it occurred to me that I might be one of the few people who even know who he is in this day and age. I got to thinking, then, about other people, entertainment and situations that are particular to my generation, and I ended up having to get out of bed and start writing them down. And I continued writing them today, and figured I'd post them all up here, just to see how many people out there might just find these echoes of my personal life experience and journey resounding in the chambers of their own increasingly addled minds. Let's find out.

YOU MIGHT BE AS OLD AS ME IF...

…you know the words to all the “Schoolhouse Rock” songs by heart.

…you know who Richard Benjamin is.

…you know who Bert Convey is.

…you saw Michael Jackson moonwalk for the first time on the Motown special live.

…you know what “James at 15” is.

…you watched the final episodes of “Barney Miller”, “M*A*S*H*” and “Cheers” when they aired.

…you ever watched “Sheriff Lobo”

…you remember when the “7 Lady Truckers” joined the cast of “B.J. and the Bear”.

…you can sing the theme from “Chico and the Man”.

…you ever had feathered hair, or found feathered hair appealing.

…you ever wore “Garanimals”.

…you know who “Big Jim” and “Torpedo Fist” are.

…you not only remember “The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour” from when you were a kid, but also watched “The Sonny Comedy Revue” and “Cher” after they split.

…you actually remember the Life Cereal commercials with “Mikey” that everyone still quotes today.

…you know who the Banana Splits are.

…you ever yelled, “Uh, oh…Chongo!”

…you dismantled a Rubik’s Cube and put it back together with the colors matched up and patted yourself on the back for your ingenuity.

…you dug (or envied, for you ladies) Farrah Fawcett Majors.

…you know what the “Ro-Boz” is.

…you got your first serious boy/girl stirrings seeing Erin Grey in her futuristic disco pants.

…you watched “V” when it first aired and thought it was the coolest thing ever made for TV.

…you had a Pet Rock.

…you had a Green Machine (instead of a Big Wheel).

…you could live off Push-Ups and Pop Rocks.

…you never missed a single episode of “Happy Days”, EVER…no matter how many times you’d seen the rerun.

…you watched the “Donnie and Marie” show, and actually defined yourself by whether you were a little bit country or a little bit rock n’ roll. Goodnight, everybody!

…you never missed “Fall Guy”, and considered both stuntman and bounty hunter as viable and desirable career options.

…you wanted to be Jack Tripper and hang out at the Regal Beagle.

…you watched “Too Close for Comfort” and had no idea JM J. Bullock was gay.

…you thought “The Warriors” was an accurate depiction of New York gang life.

…you heard the rumor that “K.I.S.S.” stood for “Knights In Satan’s Service”.

…you owned either Journey’s “Escape” or Foreigner’s “4” on vinyl.

…you’ve owned any K-Tel collections.

…you know what E.L.O. stands for.

…you remember David Naughton.

…you watched “ABC’s Wide World of Sports” on weekends, and never got tired of watching the “agony of defeat” skier bite it.

…you actually owned 45rpm records…and two of them were the Star Wars “disco theme” and “Pac Man Fever”.

…you can honestly say you’ve watched hundreds of hours of Johnny Carson.

…you saw “9 to 5” in the theater with your parents.

…you saw “Private Benjamin” in the theater with your parents.

…you can clearly define what Weebles do and do not do.

…you read Dynamite and Tiger Beat magazines.

…you know every “Brady Bunch” episode by heart and can sing “Sunshine Day” on command.

…you waited all year, since there was no such thing as movie rentals, for “The Ten Commandments”, “Willy Wonka” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” to come on TV again.

…you know who shot J.R.

…you listened to Bill Cosby records, Richard Pryor records, Cheech and Chong records, and Eddie Murphy cassettes.

…regarding the above, you laugh when I say “Dave’s not here, man” or “Dad is great…give us the chocolate cake”.

…you’ve made payphone calls for a dime.

…you know who both Shaun Cassidy and Leif Garrett are (and owned at least one 45 from each of them).

…you watched both “Real People” and “That’s Incredible!”.

…”In Search Of…” freaked your ass OUT.

…you cried when John Wayne died. In “The Cowboys”, I mean, not in real life. Though that was sad, too…

…you’ve drank Pepsi Lite, Tab and R.C. Cola. And an assortment of Fanta products.

…while swimming, even in the pool, you still checked over your shoulder at regular intervals for about three years after you saw “Jaws”.

…you were never not in the mood to watch “Match Game” or “Hollywood Squares”.

…you remember ABC’s attempt to take on “Saturday Night Live” called “Fridays” and got to see Michael Richards’ early work because of it.

…you watched “The Gong Show” and thrilled to the Astaire-like footwork of Gene, Gene, the Dancing Machine.

…you remember where you were when Elvis died, and when John Lennon and Ronald Reagan were shot.

…you owned a Star Wars tee shirt with an iron-on decal that started flaking away after the first wash.

…your parents took you to see “Blue Lagoon” because talk shows convinced them it was a great way for kids to learn about “natural love”.

…you had no idea that the Village People, Elton John, Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Riley were gay.

…you watched “Gomer Pyle” with no suspicion that Jim Nabors was gay…but you did find yourself inexplicably creeped-out whenever he’d sing.

…you knew all about Patty Hearst.

…you never actually sold G.R.I.T., but you window-shopped the prizes listed in the comic book ads that you’d choose if you did.

…you bought X-ray specs, fake vomit or one square inch of land in Florida off a comic book ad.

…you remember your shock when comic books went up to 35 cents and you could no longer buy three for a dollar.

…you wanted to go to Riverdale High.

…you wanted Richie Rich’s allowance. And you wanted to kick cousin Reggie’s scheming ass.

…you ever called “popcorn” to get the time.

…you had a favorite Charlie’s Angel.

…you knew not to do the crime if you couldn’t do the time. Yeah. (Don’t do it).

…you had the Starsky and Hutch action figures AND the car.

…you had a favorite Sweathog.

…your bologna had a first name.

…you bought candy cigarettes and pretended you were blowing smoke while waiting for the school bus on cold mornings.

…you watched “Love Boat” and “Fantasy Island” every Saturday night.

…your lunch box had either the Six Million Dollar Man, the Fonz or the Dukes of Hazzard on it.

…you remember when McDonald’s actually kept track of how many billions they’d served.

…you ever told someone to either “sit on it” or kiss your grits.

…you know the difference between VHF and UHF, and understand the term “Don’t touch that dial!” because you actually had to use a dial to change the channel (and your mother got mad at you when you turned it too fast, because you might break it).

…you owned Micronauts.

…you saw both “Witch Mountain” movies in the theater.

…you watched the original cast of “Saturday Night Live”…live.

…you stayed up late to watch “Benny Hill” and “Bizarre” because it was the only way you had to see boobies on TV before cable.

…you raptly watched the Adam West “Batman” series on daily reruns, never knowing that it was meant to be camp.

…you own socks older than some celebrities you find attractive.

…you need a nap.

Zzzzzzzzz.