The "Un-Vacation"

Ahhhhhh.

Man, I needed that. I’m relaxed, I’m un-stressed and I’m feeling good. Today is the final day of my vacation. And I’ve been on vacation for over week now.

Oh, I’ve still been at work. It wasn’t that kind of vacation.

I’m not sure at what point I turned into this person, but somewhere in the last few years, I’ve lost the ability to relax. Maybe it started when I was working so many extra hours a couple of years back, so when I got home, I had so little evening to work with that my evening time became really regimented. Things aren’t as bad that was, but still, when I’m driving myself home, I’m generally listening to some kind of book on CD (to maximize drive time) and mentally planning out how what’s left of my night is going to go – organizing priorities, visualizing my to-do list (which exists, and is contained and regularly updated in my Palm Pilot), and usually overestimating how much I think I can get done before bed time.

I used to be a big TV and movie guy. Back when I had a roommate, we seemed to always have time to kick it together in the evening and watch a basketball game, a TV show or a film on DVD. Since living alone, and since this change in me? It’s all I can do to sit still for an hour-long show. I can’t even manage to do that. I find myself needing to multi-task, to have something to be doing while I’m watching (or mostly listening to) the show in question – definitely dinner, but often other stuff, and I’ll find other things to do while the microwave is warming my meal up as well (I usually fit my pill-taking in during the first part of the warming, before I have to remove the frozen meal, uncover, stir, and continue to heat for two-to-three minutes…). I often don’t even make a whole episode of whatever I’m watching (which, by the way, HAS to be something either on DVD or saved on my DVR, to fit with my schedule. The idea of watching something WHILE it’s ACTUALLY on TV? Please! How 20th century is THAT?) – I’ll often just get through the first half hour and save the second half for the following evening’s TV time.

Like most creative people who fit the chronic procrastinator profile (which is many creative people…if not most…), I have, at any given time, dozens of projects going – creative, personal, organizational, whatever. Hell, I’m still trying to find the time to sit down and actually FINISH my overall to-do list itself. It’s THAT big. Always so much I want to accomplish, always so little time. Every evening becomes a rush, an exercise in clock-watching, and ends in frustration and self-loathing when I turn in and think of all the things I didn’t get to (that I was so SURE I would this time, because on any given evening, time and space can operate on totally different principles, right? Oh, wait…no, they can’t…). It’s an endless cycle, and one, I occasionally stop and notice, that isn’t really a pleasant one.

You’d think from all this that I get loads of stuff done in my life. My to-do list must be dwindling like Folsom Lake in the 80s (that really only makes sense if you’re from Sacramento and you’re over thirty…). Well, not so much. I also suffer from the “overwhelm” syndrome. That is, there’s so much that needs (in my interpretation of my reality) to get done, I can never figure out where to start, and it feels like every time I reach for something to start it, I’m reaching for the wrong thing – my brain jumps up and yells me that this OTHER thing is more important and more pressing…but then this OTHER thing is, too…and don’t forget THIS one… And in another habit of the procrastinator personality, I tend to fall into avoidance. Oh, I’ll work on things, but will be so stressed out about them that I’m not all that productive, and I then let other little, easier things (things that don’t have pressure and guilt and panic attached to them) distract me. This is that moment where someone is sitting at their desk at work and has three big projects that need to get done, and suddenly they realize that their desk drawers just HAVE to get organized first! So they’ll switch to that and feel some brief escape, some manufactured sense of satisfaction from completing that task…while the other tasks they really needed to be working on haven’t been touched, and they’re back in the same boat all over again. This cycle is expressed in Tony Robbins’ theory of the Six Human Needs, where one of the needs is “Certainty”, and by switching to a task we know we can accomplish, we put off that uncertainty of the bigger, scary ones and get that feeling of comfort.

Yes, I just referenced Tony Robbins. That should tell you something, too. Cry for help, table two?

Don’t get me wrong, here. My goal in life I’m striving toward right now is to be more productive, and I’m seeking out all kinds of new ways to accomplish that. The problem I’ve been having is that I’ve been going about it the wrong way. I’m slowly learning the seeming contradiction that to be more productive, a person needs to slow down and actually work LESS. No so much less, that is, as getting more quality out of their work time. This only happens (per a couple of new books I’ve read, including one called “The Now Habit”) when planned breaks and rewards are built into the mix, allowing the brain a chance to de-stress, wind down, and come back refreshed and ready for the next productive interval. This book refers to these periods as “guilt-free playtime”. The “guilt-free” part is very applicable to me. This is why I’m never able to relax. Even when I do stop and try to do something enjoyable – watch something, read something just for pleasure, or just goof off on the internet – I always resent and chastise myself for it, even if only subconsciously. I’m always thinking about what I “should” be doing, and dreading having to get back to it.

So my evenings have turned into races against the clock, rushing to my computer the minute I get through the door, checking email and seeing if anything there needs to be addressed, taking a look at my evening’s wish-list of to-dos, going through my routines and feeling the self-imposed whip at my back. As you can imagine, that does not make for a happy evening. If an email does come in that calls for an immediate response, I quickly, and resentfully, readjust my schedule on the fly. I cringe when the phone rings, as that will cut into the night as well, depending on what it is. Who does that? Who resents phone calls? Phone calls are supposed to be enjoyable, aren’t they? Well, TV is, too, but for me, it’s become more something I force myself to partake in, allowing as little as possible, which, as you can imagine, doesn’t exactly make it the pleasant escape it’s supposed to be.

Yeah. My life’s become way too type-A for the really type-C person that I am.

With that in mind, let’s go back to that book I mentioned – the “Now Habit” one. This one has given me a lot to think about, and really opened my eyes to the way I’m doing things (and doing them wrong) and how I’m making my own life miserable in my efforts to make my life BETTER by getting more done. There has to be a balance. What’s the point in doing all that we do if we can’t take the time to actually enjoy it? I’ve partnered the concepts I learned there with a lot of the other ones I’ve gotten about how much our perception of things makes a difference. Like, for example, the same thing can either be a “have to” or a “get to”, depending on how we define it (self-talk is a big productivity killer, in case you didn’t know). Once we latch on to the concept that we are separate from our brains and that our brains are actually tools that we can use, not masters that drive what we do (that’s a whole other entry I’ll have to do sometime, my theory on that), and take control of our own minds and our own emotions, a lot of things can change. And they’re starting to with me. Little by little.

Learning about the importance of the “guilt-free playtime” and thinking about how my life was running, I got to thinking about all the stuff I’d like to do – lower-level projects, TV shows and movies to watch, books to read – that, in themselves, become stressful to think about when they stack up on me and turn into a whole other to-do list that I mourn never having the time to get to. And I realized that it’s within my control to MAKE the time…and that the idea of my schedule being such a frantic and out of control thing when compared to the lives of other friends of mine who are married and have kids, while my life is really my own to do with as I wish at this point in time, is really silly. I accepted the fact that I’m the boss. And I also determined, with both trepidation and relief, that the boss needed a break!

So I put myself on vacation. I didn’t take any days off work (can’t afford any right now, with other things coming up this year having already taken all that up). Work was still work, and that’s an area where I don’t have as much control (but more than I tend to think). But after work? That time is all mine. There are some must-do things during the week, but most of the ones I looked at that way, I realized, really weren’t. I had the say-so on whether they get done, and when they got done. And it was totally within my power to take a break, to set aside the projects and to-dos and declare that, for a little over a week, there was going to be no such thing as “have to”. When I got home at night, I would relax (as much as I’m able). My schedule would be my own (and I meant that the right way for a change). I would, for the most part, ignore the to-do list. Actually making that choice turned relaxing into the “have to”. And given that new set of orders, I knew I had to follow them. I would, in short, do whatever the hell I wanted with my night.

So I started on a Thursday night (even starting a day earlier than I’d first thought) and decided this would last through the following Sunday (today). Did it make a big difference? It certainly did. And it did so in the most important way – emotionally. I finally knew (again) what it felt like to come home without rushing, and to just be calm. Suddenly, instead of a clearly defined itinerary, my night became a blank slate, one I could fill with whatever I wanted. Maybe I’d watch some movies. Maybe I’d do a TV marathon, pulling out a DVD set and watching several episodes of a show in a row. Maybe I’d read a book. Maybe I’d play a computer game (I have no IDEA when the last time was I did that). Maybe I’d just listen to music. Maybe I’d take a stab at doing some of those things that were so far down the priority list that it seemed like they’d never get done…things I really WANTED to do but could never justify doing with the mountain of other goals screaming out for attention. It was all up to me. The clock became something I would notice, not be checking regularly. And best of all, I gave myself permission for all of it, and told myself I deserved it. And sure enough, I took it.

Did I watch huge loads of TV and crank through several novels? Well, no. Looking back now, I could have done a lot more of both, but that doesn’t really matter, because I didn’t HAVE to. I did some. I finished season four of The Wire. I watched a couple of eps of a couple of other shows that I never knew when I’d find time to get around to. I did some reading. But mainly, I just floated wherever the mood took me. And what do you know? Often times that mood took me to different projects on the big list…only this time, in this frame of mind, I was doing them in good spirits and enjoying them. I got some long overdue writing done. I built or updated some web pages (I can’t believe I FINALLY got around to updating my “My Shows” page on my site!). I answered some emails. I actually ENJOYED picking up the phone, and chatting away for a while with whoever buzzed, not feeling the need to apologize to them after a few minutes because I had to get back to whatever else “had” to be done that night. I went out and saw a couple of movies with people (one crappy, one great. The movies, I mean, not the people…). I organized some things and took genuine satisfaction in the act. I got a lot of great thinking done on some projects and goals I have – real, valuable creative thinking, because creative thinking is definitely suppressed when you’re doing it on the clock. When you’re in a happier and more relaxed place, your mind just works better, free to explore and test ideas without being jammed with all kinds of left-brain concerns. And I think today was the best example of all. After getting up and around, not really caring too much what I was going to do with my day, I remembered how long I’ve been wanting to get my entire (really large) DVD collection cataloged and in some kind of shareable (web) format. So, relaxing on the patio and enjoying the weather with my laptop in front of me when the thought hit, I did a little searching and found just the right piece of software to buy and download for that. And, after watching the first episode of season five of the Wire (I downloaded the whole fifth season overnight last night, realizing I didn’t want to wait around for months until it hits DVD and risk getting spoilers on how it ends) on my computer, I spent hours carrying piles of DVDs into my room to type in UPC codes on get my whole collection into the software. Did I do it because I “had” to? No. I did it because I WANTED to, and because it sounded FUN. And it has been. I’ve had the TV on in the background, and occasionally some music, and have been taking satisfaction in this great object lesson on how what seems like an overwhelming project (I’ve long-since filled up my DVD shelves and have piles going on the fireplace now) can manifest when simply taken a few steps at a time. Focusing on just one pile at a time instead of the whole collection made the whole thing go quickly and effortlessly, and now what seemed like a project I’d get to “someday” has become a project crossed off my list…and I feel great about it. Taking that amount of time to do something so relatively unnecessary would normally be unthinkable for me. But hey…I’m on vacation. I’ve got the time. And I can do with it what I please. And, lo and behold, I have.

A small part of me still wants to look back, at the end, and regret how I could have done things differently, and how much more I could have accomplished. But that wasn’t the point. For just over a week, and for the first time in a long time, my life was totally my own again, and not owned by my self-imposed sense of focus and productivity (which I rarely live up to anyway). I’ve learned some important things about me, my life, and my use of my time. I’ve learned, most importantly, that “downtime” is not a luxury, but a necessity. Stopping and smelling the roses has to go hand-in-hand with planting and pruning the bushes. The human brain is a fascinating thing, something I’m learning more and more each day. And when used properly, it can increase your sense of satisfaction and joy in life, while at the same time help you reach all those ever-present goals. Giving yourself permission to enjoy yourself is a must. This is now part of the way I do things, and the way I look at the world. And because of it, I’m ready to see all those goals in a whole new way, and can now enjoy, not dread, the steps involved in achieving them.

You may not be wound as tight as I am (I sure hope not), but no matter where you are in your struggles to make the most of your ever-shortening days, I highly recommend you take a little un-vacation yourself. Kick back! The must-dos will still be there when you return, and you’ll be much more ready to face them, with a lot more energy and a better attitude. And attitude, believe me, makes all the difference. So book your journey to nowhere today! I guarantee you’ll rack up some all-important frequent smiler miles. Just remember to pack some sun block and put that hold on your mail. Happy un-travels!