I'm Not a Violent Person. However...

...I may have to smack:

...the next guy who not only accepts a MySpace webcam stripper's friend invite, but who then posts a "Thanks for the add, gorgeous!" comment on her page like he's just scored.

...the next girl who puts either "Dance like there's no one watching" or "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" as her MySpace quote.

...the next girl who posts, as her main MySpace pic, a shot of her and a group of, like, eight girls, and then does the same with all her pics. Let me guess...you're the one with the mustache... Come on! It's your page! Put your photo up! Be the girl with the mustache! Magnum P.I. is selling really well on DVD right now. RIDE that nostalgia wave and make it work for you, girlfriend!

...the next guy who posts as his MySpace pic a shot of him with his friend's wife or girlfriend, because 1) it makes him look "in demand" and 2) that's the only female that's gotten that close to him other than in an elevator.

...the next person who prefaces their turning on of a lamp by saying "Let there be light" or "Let's shed a little light on the subject". Oh, you're SLAYING me, dude! I haven't heard that one since Amos n' Andy were still on the radio!

...the next person who refers to Shakespeare as "The Bard".

...the next person who purposely takes something pretentious to read into a coffee place so people will notice. Oh, I see, you just HAPPENED to have that copy of "Atlas Shrugged" on you and got a hankering for some beanage. Yeah. It could happen.

...the next screenwriter who types any of the following as dialogue:

"That's gonna leave a mark."

"That's gotta hurt."

"When you're right, you're right...and you're right."

"Let's kick some butt." (Any kids' sports (or ninja) movie made since 1992).

"Let's rock!"

"You're not worth it."

...the next person who forwards me a bogus virus warning that was debunked back in 1995.

...the next person who excitedly tries to point out that that joke on the animated show they're watching could ONLY be for grownups! Kids wouldn't get it! Okay, look...YOU LIKE CARTOONS. Accept it. Embrace it. Be one with your inner child.

...Joel Schumacher. Just in general.

...Noel or Liam Gallagher. Whichever one's closest.

...your mother. No, not yours. Sorry. I was talking to Noel and Liam.

...Pamela Anderson, but only because she seems to like it, and I think it might give me a better shot with her...

...anyone who's ever said "It was better than the first one!" about a movie sequel. When has it EVER been better than the first one? Okay, there was "Wrath of Khan"...

...anyone who thinks "The Royal Tenenbaums" was stupid, yet thinks "Mrs. Doubtfire" is the funniest movie ever made.

...the next person who says, "'Serenity'? Wasn't that the movie with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale?"

...the next person who feels the need to verbally identify the origin of a pop culture reference. Like, if person "A" says to me, "I took my kids to the petting zoo last weekend", and I put a pinky to my lip and say, "An EVIL petting zoo?", and person "B" chimes in and says, "Ah! Austin Powers!" Um...yes. It was. Glad you saw it. But pointing out that you know where it comes from doesn't make you look hip...it makes you look like you're happy you finally GOT a pop culture reference for a change. And it then makes the joke not funny. You want to join in and look "down", the next words out of your mouth should be "And at that petting zoo, did they have SHARKS with frickin' LASER BEAMS on their heads?" NOW you're getting it. Don't be lame...get in the game!

...anyone who makes up crappy rhyming catch phrases like I just did.

...Lou Diamond Phillips, for doing the same to his girlfriend (smacking her, I mean, not making up a crappy rhyming catch phrase...). Come on, man. It's not her fault your agent can only get you jobs on Sci Fi Channel original movies these days, so don't take it out on her. Loser.

...the next religious person who says, "Ah, but what does this Bible verse REALLY mean?" If for no other reason than to see if they'll turn the other cheek.

...any fan of Dennis Rodman. As a ball player. You want to appreciate his acting work, fine. "Double Team" got me kind of misty, too...

...the next girl who gets the MySpace comment "baby u so fukin hott!!" and is actually flattered by it.

...Mariah Carey. It might not help, but you never know until you try.

...the next person who misuses the word "literally".

"So I told my Dad about the car, and he LITERALLY exploded!!"

"So there are pieces of your Dad all over the floor, then?"

"Huh?"

LITERALLY means it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. If you can't use it, don't abuse it. Damnit! It just slipped out...

...the next person who comes up to me and Tim at an autograph signing and tries to get a job. Dude, we're a company of TWO...and we can't even get our OWN comic out.

...any rabid fan of Kevin Smith, Jim Rome or Howard Stern. Being a fan of theirs does not make you like them, or smarter, cooler, or less of a loser than you really are.

...the next guy who's been married so long that when he belches in a group of other guys, he says, "Oh, excuse me!" in a panic. Dude. You're with GUYS. She's not here. Let it fly! Enjoy being a guy again for those couple of hours before you have to go home and she makes you watch "Dancing with the Stars" with her and put on those jean shorts and belt she makes you wear.

...anyone who spouts a bumper sticker slogan in a political discussion in lieu of having an opinion of their own.

...the Wachowski brothers on any day on or after May 7, 2003.

...George Lucas on any day on or after May 25, 1983.

...Joan and/or Melissa Rivers, but I'd have to stand in a long line, and I don't have that kind of time.

...the entire nation of France. I'll make the time.

...anyone who defends Michael Jackson, specifically with the phrase, "No, you just don't understand Michael! He's like Peter Pan!" Hmm. I don't remember the part in Peter Pan where Pete laid the bad touch on the Lost Boys. Must have been some pages missing from my copy.

...Rita Cosby. Oh my GOD that is the most annoying woman to ever pretend to do TV news. I hear that husky voice sometimes in my darkest nightmares...

...myself for writing long blog entries when I have other work to do. Ow!

(This blog entry was reprinted from my MySpace blog, which I just realized few people have ever read. I'm much less snarky and bitter since then...)