Spoilers Bad! Common Sense Good!

I remember once, when my stepbrother was in his early teens, being in the other room while he and a friend were in the living room watching “The Empire Strikes Back”. Apparently his friend had never seen it (this younger generation. What can you do?). As they watched it, I started hearing my stepbrother making statements like this:

“Oh, dude, watch this. He’s about to cut off his hand.”

“Oh, here it comes! He’s about to tell him he’s his father!”

Basically, before anything remotely cool or notable would come up, my stepbrother would, about ten to twenty seconds before it happened, enthusiastically tell his friend exactly what was going to go down.

These are called “spoilers”.

This is also a very extreme example of them. My stepbrother was young, and yet to realize what it was he was doing. It was called RUINING THE FILM FOR THE OTHER GUY. He’s older and wiser now, don’t worry.

If you’ve heard the term “spoilers” thrown around on the internet, this is what the term is used for. It’s when someone reveals a surprise or plot point for you in a movie, TV show, book, etc., and therefore “spoils” it for you – or, keeps you from experiencing the pleasure of discovering it yourself. Imagine Christmas morning coming up, and you’ve got these big wrapped boxes with your name on them under the tree, and you have no idea what’s inside them. The anticipation and the mystery give you that wonderful thrill – the excitement of not knowing, all the possibilities running through your mind of what each could contain. Now imagine two days before Christmas, your sister sees you eying the boxes and says, “Oh, I saw them wrapping those. You’re getting a fire truck, a basketball, a fishing pole and an iPod.” Well, okay, now you don’t have to wonder anymore. But aren’t you going to feel a little left out on Christmas morning when all your siblings are opening their gifts with such excitement, dying to find out what’s inside, and you already know what’s inside yours? Your sister, perhaps just a little high on having insider information and wanting the thrill of being the first one to tell, has stolen something precious from you. She “spoiled” your Christmas morning.

When it comes to my entertainment, I do NOT want spoilers. I’m old enough—and wise enough, thank you—to know that what draws you into a story, what really connects you to it and where the real enjoyment comes from…from not knowing what’s going to happen next. That joy of discovery is what keeps us on the edge of our seats, the thrill of the unknown. If you hear me saying that I “can’t wait to see what happens next episode!”, that’s really just a figure of speech. I, in fact, CAN wait, and am enjoying the wait. And if you, for some reason, know what’s going to happen and then tell me? It’s going to piss me off.

Different people have different personal definitions of what a spoiler is. When it comes to an upcoming, highly-anticipated film, some people want the opening night experience to be so pure that they want to go totally “black” on it. They don’t want to watch any movie trailers. They don’t want to see promotional photos. They don’t want to read reviews. They want to know NOTHING about it, so that every frame of the film becomes an exciting journey of discovery. I know people who will literally close their eyes, plug their ears and hum when a film trailer comes on in the theater for an upcoming movie they don’t want to be spoiled on. That, or they’ll get up and walk out of the theater and come back after the offending trailer is over. To some people, it’s that serious. And I both understand and respect that.

Some people want a little bit of information – just a taste, just a tease – but without getting TOO much. Usually a well-made film trailer will provide this for them. Preferably, this trailer will give a few selected scenes, ones that give a good general idea of what to expect from the film (a few quick action shots, some clips that show who the characters are, a couple of the gags to show whether or not the film has a good sense of humor or if its jokes are tired and lame), but doesn’t give away the whole plot…and at the VERY least doesn’t give away the ending. There’s a reason why trailers are often called “teasers”. That’s the idea. They’re meant to entice you into needing to go experience that film and see how it all turns out. Poorly-made film trailers usually end up looking like two-minute summaries of the film. They give away the whole plot from start to finish. Have you ever had that experience? I’ve often seen one of those in the theater and then turned to the person I came with and whispered, “Well, now I don’t have to bother seeing THAT movie since I just SAW the whole movie…”. Again, trailers are meant to tease – not to spoil.

Me, I like to know as little as possible. When it comes to movies, I’m okay with a film trailer. I understand that there’s a difference between hearing that there’s some new kung-fu cyborg movie coming out and actually seeing scenes showing the badass kung-fu cyborgs fighting on top of the Statue of Liberty while F-16s zoom overhead. I like a little foreplay. These scenes then get me more excited about seeing the film and, therefore, I enjoy the anticipation more. Though sometimes even just the right movie poster can do that for me, and I can then do without the trailer.

When it comes to my TV shows, though, I want NOTHING. This is assuming it’s a TV show I already watch, of course. I already know I love and want to watch the show, so I don’t need any other enticements. So when it comes to that next episode coming up, there’s no need to show me what to expect. I’ll be watching it anyway, so why should I ruin the surprise? This is why I never watch “Next time on…” teasers at the end of TV shows. Even if (especially if, as a matter of fact) the current episode just ended with a huge cliffhanger. If I just saw someone point a gun at Dave the stockbroker and we heard a gunshot and got a “To be continued” as we cut to black, why would I want to watch scenes from next week showing Dave walking around still alive? Now I know he made it, so the tension (hence, the fun) is all gone.

Avoiding spoilers is a tricky business. You have to turn the channel if you need to. You have to tell people at work who start telling you about last night’s “Lost” to stop right there because you didn’t have time to watch it and plan to watch it later that evening on your DVR. But the most dangerous place for spoilers in this day and age is the internet. A large part of this problem directly relates to the majority of the people USING the internet being complete clueless morons.

There are zero secrets in the internet age. You just can’t keep one longer than a few minutes. If it’s a secret a fair amount of people are interested in, someone will find out the answer and start spreading it all over the web. Studios now go through ridiculous lengths to keep the screenplays for their in-production films from leaving the set. But inevitably, someone will swipe one and post it on the internet. And then fans of whatever movie is being made will read it and start discussing and dissecting it on message boards and blogs. Like those kids who sneak through the family closets to find their birthday gifts early, people on the web are addicted to knowing everything in advance – more to the point, with being the first one to know everything so they can lord this knowledge over other people. I really don’t understand this. If there’s a new Matrix movie coming out in six months that you’re really, really excited about seeing, why would you get and read the script ahead of time? Yes, there’s that temporary thrill of feeling like an insider, and feeling special for knowing what everyone else doesn’t, but don’t people realize that when the big opening night happens in sixth months, they’re going to be sitting in the film they’ve waited so long for, knowing every single thing that’s about to happen? They’re robbing themselves and, no matter how many times they go through the experience, don’t seem smart enough to realize it.

If you want to do that to yourself, of course, that’s your business. It’s when you mess with me that I take issue. I just had this happen with the Iron Man film. I’d been told that there’s a big scene that takes place after the credits that you have to stick around to see. This is not a spoiler – this is a courtesy. Knowing that there is such a scene doesn’t ruin anything – in fact, if you didn’t know it was there, you might just walk out of the theater, only to hear later that you missed this cool thing. So I appreciated knowing this, and was looking forward to finding out what this apparently very cool scene might be. And then I happened to be on a web site I frequent where someone, in the title of the blog post entry, gave away the whole scene. I was pissed. I still enjoyed the scene when I saw it, but I was robbed of being surprised by it. I’d have enjoyed it so much more if I hadn’t known the surprise that was coming. Some thoughtless jackass ruined that experience for me, and that’s something that can’t be undone.

People want to discuss films and TV shows that they’ve seen, and a great place to do that with people from all over the world is the web. And that’s awesome. But there’s a right and a wrong way to do it. The wrong way is getting on a message board and making your post title “What did it mean at the end when (major character) died and (other major character) said that his death could have been prevented?” Okay, asshead? Now everyone who hasn’t yet seen the movie now knows who’s going to DIE. Thank you! Grrrrr. Are people really that clueless? Are they so focused on their own little world that they assume that since they’ve seen a movie, everyone else must have seen the movie already, too? Sometimes they don’t blow it in their post title, but do it in the post itself. Either way, readers on the message board don’t know that the spoiler is coming. This is why a courtesy evolved on message boards called the “Spoiler Warning”. Posters, knowing that what they’re going to write may spoil something for someone who hasn’t seen the product in question, will either type “spoiler warning” or “spoiler alert” or “spoiler ahead!” in their title, or, with even more courtesy, will start their posting with something like this:

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

SPOILER ALERT!

This way, a reader is not only very aware that there’s a spoiler coming, and that they should proceed at their own risk, but now they can’t accidentally see the spoiler, but have to actually scroll down to get to it. This way people can discuss the ending of Cloverfield all they want with other people who already know how it ended, without ruining things for those who are still waiting to enjoy it.

Both on the web and in person, avoiding “spoilerizing” people is just common sense. When I want to talk about a previous night’s TV show at work, the first thing I’ll ask the person is whether or not they watched it. If they haven’t yet, I’ll shut up. And I’ll also not say things like “Oh, okay, I won’t tell you what happens to Steve, then, but it’s huge!” Because THAT is a spoiler. They now know that something is going to happen to Steve! They should NOT have known that. Now they’ll spend the whole episode distracted, waiting to see what’s going to happen to him. See, spoilers are tricky. Hinting at something is just as bad as coming out and revealing it. The most I’ll tell people is that it’s definitely worth watching, letting them know that it’s a good episode, and, therefore, getting them more excited to watch it. I also won’t tell them if I thought it was a BAD episode. Why? Because I understand that that’s just my opinion. They may well enjoy the episode very much – or they would have, if I hadn’t planted in their head that it was a bad episode, tainting their objectivity and making them think, in advance, that it sucks.

One of my favorite examples of a clueless spoilerizer happened at a previous job of mine. I asked a girl if she’d seen the Sixth Sense yet. If you know anything about M. Night Shyamalan movies, you know that he’s famous for his twist endings. I was being careful to get this question answered before I said anymore. If she had said no, I would have just told her it was an amazing movie that she needed to get out and see. However, she did tell me no, and then also told me that another guy at work had asked her the same question. She had told him, too, that she hadn’t. But the minute he heard that, he got excited over the fact that she didn’t know what happened and he did, and he proceeded to tell her THE ENTIRE ENDING. I wanted to find this guy and punch him. Did he not realize (apparently not) that he had just stolen something from her? How many people still remember that moment when they hit the end of that film and their jaws dropped? She’ll never know what that feels like. That chance has gone forever. This, by the way, is why it’s important to see M. Night films in the theater and as soon as possible, and not wait for DVD. I made that mistake with “The Village”, and was later innocently watching an episode of Seth Green’s “Robot Chicken”, and one of their comedy bits gave away the ending. I was kind of angry at them, but I also knew I had no one but myself to blame. You don’t wait two years to see an M. Night film. That was my own fault, and I cursed myself for it.

Never assume things when you’re telling other people about something you enjoyed. I had never read the Lord of the Rings books as a kid like so many had, so when the films started coming out, I walked into them knowing nothing about what was going to happen. That is, until I got a couple of spoilers. In both cases, the spoilerizer (a friend and a movie reviewer) made the assumption that everyone MUST have read the books before the movie came out. That’s a bad assumption (I quote that episode of “Friends” – Ross: “Didn’t you read Lord of the Rings in high school?” Joey: “No, I had SEX in high school.”). In both cases, because of both of these guys, I knew, when only the first film was out, how the third film was going to end. Did I still enjoy them? Yes. But I could have enjoyed them that much more if someone hadn’t opened my Christmas present in front of me…on the 4^th of July.

If you’re one of those people who just can’t wait to find out what’s going to happen next, who needs to watch “Making Of” documentaries before the film comes out, reads the leaked shooting scripts for the rest of your show’s season, or scours the web for every possible detail before you sit down to “enjoy” the thing, that’s your business. I, personally, think you’re robbing yourself, and I think you’d realize that if you really thought about it and looked back objectively on such experiences you’ve had, but hey…you do what you want with your own entertainment journey. But please be aware that many other people don’t WANT to know what’s going to happen. They want the adventure of finding out for themselves. So please, either keep it to yourself, or give appropriate warnings before you start typing away on your blog, or talking to a group of people when there’s a chance that one or two of those people might still be waiting to discover that property that you loved so much. If you love it so much, give others the same chance to love it as much as you do, even if that means that you don’t get to beat the creators to the punch by spilling the shocking ending. Courtesy counts. Even, believe it or not, in Hollywood.